Dear Sylphiel
by Relm Wanderer
Summary: Gourry on the road decides to write Sylphiel a letter. This is inspired by the many times I have seen correspondence fanfics out there in various different fandoms.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Notes: This fanfic is from my Gourry/Sylphiel Shrine. It was inspired by the many times I had seen fanfics out there where one character was writting letters/emails/txt messages or posting messages online to/for another character. I liked the idea so much that I decided to do my own version with Gourry and Sylphiel. We've got Gourry on the road writting Sylphiel a letter, she responds... yada yada. There are parts of this fanfic that will probably seem OOC to some people and that's fine. I felt like I was writing in circles for a few of the parts. So please ignore and OOCness if there are any. _

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter One, Gourry

By Relm

Dear Sylphiel,

How are you? Since Amelia's always writing letters to Zel I thought I'd send you one too! Hopefully you're still in Sailune cause that's where I'm sending this!

So what do you say in these things anyways?

Okay I just asked Lina and she says to talk about what's going on with me. So here goes. Me and Lina are still traveling. I have no idea where we are, but we've been having one adventure after another. Did you know that there's this creature that looks like a bat but bigger than a troll? I didn't and man did it hurt my ears. I'm okay. Turns out it doesn't like light. Lina scared it with a spell. If I still had my sword of light I could have scared it away easily.

Oh yeah I still haven't found a good sword yet. All the ones I get keep breaking. I miss my old sword.

You know what else I miss? You. And not just because of your cooking either. Lina is always so mean to me. Anytime I forget something she hits me! You wouldn't hit me if I forgot something. You would just giggled. I like it when you giggle. Or laugh. Or smile. You have a really nice smile.

I know you're in Sailune because you want to help Phil and Amelia and to get better at healing... but...

Next time I see you would you like to come traveling with us? Cause as I said, I miss you.

-Gourry


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Two, Sylphiel

By Relm

Dear Gourry,

You know I never expect to get letters and boy was I surprised to see one from you. It makes me so happy to hear from you Gourry; I do so often worry about you. I know you're strong and Miss Lina is powerful... but I can't help it. There's always a part of me that thinks the worst. I guess you could call me a perpetual worrier. You probably think I'm being silly.

To answer your question, I'm doing fine. I've been learning all kinds of things during my time in Sailune and have managed to help Prince Philonel's magic army. It's nice to feel useful again. Being in Siaraag with no people... It's depressing, for that reason it's good I'm in Sailune. But I miss home. Not that it looks anything like it used to. Still I'm doing well in Sailune and I will stay here for the time being. Though I have thought of perhaps spending some time in Tarforashia. Amelia and Prince Philonel are always going there helping Prince Posel and his people. Amelia seems to be quite friendly with Posel or Pokota I believe that's what he calls himself. I can't say I'm too surprised. Amelia does seem to be drawn to the cursed ones. But at least Pokota is friendlier and more receptive to Amelia's presence. I always feel bad for the girl when she's around Mister Zelgadis. I do like Mister Zelgadis but he's far too self involved when he's around her.

So you've been fighting big bat creatures? My that sounds scary! Please be careful Gourry. As I already said I worry about you. And I... miss you too. Though I don't think Miss Lina is half has mean as you make her out to be she's just not that good with her feelings. But if you two were to come by Sailune would I want to join the two of you...?

I honestly don't know Gourry. There's a part of me that's screaming to say yes, that I'd love to go traveling with you two again. But I have responsibilities here. And there are other reasons... Oh well there's no point giving you an answer to that in a letter. Who knows when you two will come by Sailune again? Maybe I'll be done with my studies by then. I'll have to think about it.

Either way I'll look forward to seeing you again,

-Sylphiel


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Three, Gourry

By Relm

Dear Sylphiel,

It's good that the letter got to you! I was worried I messed things up. But Lina told me that it would work. She used her magic to get the bird to get the letter to you. How did you get that bird to get a letter to me? You didn't even know where I was. Must be magic I guess. Sometimes I wish I could cast magic. But then I'd probably would mess up the spells. I'm just no good when it comes to learning. At least that's what I was always told. Teachers always got so mad at me! If they didn't want me to fall asleep in class then they shouldn't make class so boring!

I'm glad to hear you're doing well in Sailune. But I know it's hard to be away from home. I know I miss mine. But I can't go back. Or at least not for a while. My family is probably still pretty mad at me for taking the sword of light. And my sister Jinny can be really scary when she's mad. She's even scarier than Lina!

I liked Tarforashia. Kinda reminded me of Siaraag. Before it got blown up. Lina says that those people are descendants of the original people of Siaraag. Is that true? Cause if it is Pokota could be some distant cousin of yours!

Amelia and Pokota? I never would have thought of that idea! But what do you mean about Amelia and Zel? They aren't a couple; they don't like each other like that. Or do they? Is that why Amelia hangs around Zel all the time? Because she likes him? I don't think he likes her like that! Treats her like a little sister I'd say. But then what do I know? Still... Zel's a bit cold and Pokota's a stuffed animal. Amelia has bad tastes in men. But I guess that's just who she is, Amelia likes to help those cursed type people.

I have been careful while I travel. So you don't need to worry about me. But it's nice that you do. Makes me feel well... I don't know. I guess it's just nice knowing you care so much. I don't think Lina cares all that much. Without the sword of light I'm not much good to her I guess. She really only needs me when it's that time of the month and even then she can use a sword. And I still haven't gotten a good sword yet. I got one last week that was really nice. It was shiny, sharp and had a good weight and balance. But it broke yesterday one some monster's hide. Well it looked like a monster, but Lina told it was something else. It had some sort of fancy name but I don't remember it. Lina killed it anyway.

I got another sword today but this one doesn't seem too good either. Looks like a nice sharp sword but it doesn't feel right when you pick it. It's way too light. I tried to tell Lina there was something wrong with it but she didn't care. Lina's getting annoyed with me having to spend all that money on new swords. I need a sword to fight and she doesn't. It's not like we have no money. Lina's got all kinds of treasures stashed away in that weird pocket thingy in her cape. She's so greedy, we have lots but she doesn't like me spending any of it. Only she wants to spend the money and not let me have a dime of it. I earned the treasure too! So I should be able to buy a new sword every now and then. But what can I do? All the swords I get end up breaking on me. Is it so hard to ask for a sword that's wrong and will last? Or does something like that not exist? Is there a spell that can make a sword stronger?

I asked Lina and she just ignored me. She's been doing that a lot lately. Every time I try to talk to her about something she snaps at me or doesn't answer.

I really wish you were here. I keep making Lina mad and I don't know why. I'm not trying to, but everything I do pisses her off. And I don't even know what I'm doing to make her mad! I'm trying to be good. It's so hard. But I guess I must be doing something wrong. I always mess up everything. Even when I was little everyone around me called me stupid. Telling me I couldn't do something right even if it a monkey could do it. Why say that? Monkeys can be pretty smart. I saw one once steal a man's wallet. If a monkey is stupid then why did the man look so dumb when he realized the monkey took his money?

But I guess I must be stupider than a monkey. That might explain why Lina's mad at me and why you don't want to travel with me. Because I don't get it. I thought you'd love to go on an adventure with me. We'd see all kinds of people and I'm sure you could learn lots too. How much can you learn being cooped up in a castle all day? Yes there are lots of stuff you do for Phil and Amelia... But they didn't need you before. They got by without you, so why do you have to stay? Why don't you want to come with me? What's this other reason you can't go?

Was it something I did? Did I make you mad too? If I did then I'm real sorry. The last thing I've wanted to do was to hurt you. You always do so much for everyone else and you've had so much taken away from you. It's not fair. All I want for you to do is to able to smile and be happy. And if I made things worse then I'm so sorry. What can I do to make it up to you? I hate being this big dumb buffoon that makes everyone upset.

I'd really like to see you again. Cause like I said before, I miss you. Maybe I can convince Lina into going to Sailune. I need to talk to you in person. Maybe that might make me understand things some more.

-Gourry


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Four, Sylphiel

By Relm

Dear Gourry,

Please don't say horrible things about yourself! You're not stupid; I've never once believed that ever! Yes you might have a wondering attention span but you listen when it counts the most. I'm so sorry that I made you doubt yourself. I never wanted to be the cause for you to feel poorly.

Nothing you have said or done has made me feel like I can't be around you. You haven't made me angry or upset. With all the horrible things I have experienced you Gourry are the one bright spot in my life. You make me smile and want to do good things. Because Gourry you are the kindest and purest man I know and you inspire me. The person who has made the mistake is me. I did the wrong thing, I messed things up.

There's so many things I've wanted to say to you Gourry. I keep telling myself 'this time I'll tell him' but when I see you I just chicken out. It seems whenever I look into your beautiful blue eyes I lose all resolve and my words get lost too. These things I want to say... they are the reason I can't travel with you and Miss Lina. Believe me Gourry, I'd love to go off with you on an adventure. But I can't... it would hurt too much.

I'm sorry I'm not being so forthcoming. Even in letters it seems I can't muster up the courage. But if I can't say it in person then a letter would be my only option. So I know I should tell you. How do I even put together the words? I don't think I can.

What I can tell you is that it's not you Gourry. Don't blame yourself. You are a brave wonderful man for whom I admire greatly. I want to go, I want to go so badly but I can't be that person. I can't be the one to stand in the way of someone's destiny. And as much as I would love it to be I'm not your future Gourry, I'm your past. In order for you to move on and be the person you are meant to be you need to embrace what's ahead. Not linger on the things behind you. You are a special man Gourry, to me most of all.

What I'm trying to say is that your place is with Miss Lina. There is no room left for me. You told me in your letter that Miss Lina is strong and doesn't really need you but that's not true. She needs you more than anything in the world. You are the brave soldier that stands by her through any danger. You make her smile and forget the perils of the lives you live. You are her rock, her one constant that will never change. Yes she might be able to get by in a fight without you but she needs you in her life. You provide comfort and companionship that she needs to fight off the loneliness. I'm sure that Miss Lina would be a very sad woman if you weren't there for her. I should know, saying goodbye to you is always the hardest thing for me.

If things were different... If I had gone with you the first time we met back at my home instead of shying away when you asked... Maybe I could've gone. Maybe we could have traveled together and saved the world ourselves. Maybe... But I didn't say yes then and it's too late to say yes now. I missed my chance. And then you met Miss Lina. Fate has made its decision and I have to accept that. But I do regret that decision. I think about it everyday...

How you breezed into Siaraag and saved me from that monster. I had never seen such a gallant fighter. You were so determined and brave. You didn't shy down from that beast at all! I remember how modest you were too. As if saving my life wasn't a huge feat but something a good person ought to. I made you lunch and a pie. You told me my cooking was the best in the world while I healed your wounds. I had been told that many times before by so many people but it wasn't the same as hearing it from you. I'm sure I blushed back then. Thinking about it makes me blush now. And when you asked me to come with you traveling I felt my heart beat so fast. I was too shy to say yes so I declined your offer giving up a flimsy excuse about training. You smiled at me, said your goodbye and walked away. I watched you leave feeling so mad with myself for not saying yes. And madder still that I didn't run after you.

This was the mistake I made. I shouldn't have said no. I shouldn't have lied to you. If I could go back to that moment I would have done things differently. I would have said yes...

But I can't go back I didn't say yes. Because of it you traveled on alone and ended up meeting Miss Lina. You belong with her, anyone can see it. If I went with you I'd be in the way of you and her. You deserve happiness Gourry. And I don't want to be the cause of you loosing it.

I know things might not seem to be going so well with Miss Lina right now but you must be patient. Sometimes love is a scary thing and I feel that Miss Lina is only picking fights because she is afraid to get closer to you. Admitting ones feelings can make you feel the most vulnerable of all as it opens you up to getting hurt. Miss Lina is a powerful woman who is used to being strong and fearless. But this is different. It's alien to her. You have to give her time to understand what she's feeling. She's confused and scared. Give her a little bit of space. Don't pressure her too much. She'll come around soon enough.

I wouldn't bother trying to get Miss Lina to want to go to Sailune. Just continue on with your journey Gourry. I'm sure we'll meet up again eventually. I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray things go well with you and Miss Lina. You two are meant to be.

-Sylphiel


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Five, Gourry

By Relm

Dear Sylphiel,

You say all these nice things about me and you still want me to stay away? I don't get it Sylphiel, I really don't. And why are you saying all these things about me and Lina? I don't understand.

Are you saying that Lina's in love with me? That I'm in love with her? Why would she hit me so much if she loved me? Why would she be so mean to me if she loved me so much?

I don't know how I feel about Lina. I'm her guardian so I'm around her lots. Maybe I might have thought there was something or is something between us but...

It's hard to tell how you feel about someone when they don't even want to get close. Lina's always shoving me away so I get confused. Do you really think she loves me?

And what's all this stuff about past and present? What because you didn't say yes to me before you can't be around me now? I remember that day too you know.

You know what I thought of when I first met you? I thought lots of stuff. I knew there was someone in danger when I went up against that beast. That's why I fought it, to save you. But I never saw what you looked like till after the fight. I remember thinking how pretty you were. That you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. You still are by the way. I haven't met another girl who is more beautiful than you. If the world had a beauty contest you would win hands down. But yeah, you were so pretty and saying so many nice things about me...

I felt so goofy. I couldn't stop smiling and I know my cheeks were pink. All those nice things you said made me feel embarrassed. I didn't feel like a deserved them. You were so nice to me. Probably the nicest anyone has ever been to me.

And lunch... oh I remember that lunch! I've eaten so many things in the world and nothing is ever as tasty as anything you can make. You know I don't like pie anymore. Cause any pie I have sucks compared to one you made me. I still dream about that pie. So good!

I knew when I asked you to come with me that I was dreaming. Why would a pretty, kind and gentle girl want to run off with a stupid swordsmen like me? But still I hoped you would say yes. I wasn't surprised when you said no, I knew that's what your answer would be. So I said my goodbye and left.

It was hard for me too you know. I don't like saying goodbye to you either. I always think back afterwards that I should have begged to you to come with me. But I'm always too dumb to think these things through.

So I've re-read your letter like a million times (I got confused in a few parts). And I think the reason you don't want to come traveling with us is because of Lina. You think you'll get in the way of my 'relationship' with Lina if you come along. I don't think you would. Cause there ain't really a relationship to interrupt.

As I said Lina's not too keen on being anything. I'm getting tired of being pushed around. Am I nothing to her? You seem to think I'm pretty important to her but she sure as hell doesn't show it! She keeps threatening to hit me or kill me or leave me. I never listen but...

If that's the case why do I even bother? Why bother trying to get someone to want to be with me when all they want to do is run away?

Sylphiel what do you think of me? Am I a loveable person? Or am I just too dumb to deserve it? Could Lina ever love me? Could you? Do you think you could ever be in love with me? Could that ever be a possibility?

Sometimes I think maybe you love me. Or you really really like me. The way you smile at me or touch my arm. Makes me fuzzy inside and I'm back to being all goofy. You know it's hard not to smile around you. Unless you're sad. I feel sad when you're sad. So I think maybe you could feel something for me but then I remember what I am.

I'm the goof up of the family. The son that wasn't the favorite. That wasn't supposed to wield the sword of light. The son that took the sword even though he didn't deserve it. The son that never had any brains in his head. The son that always disappointed his parents...

I'm big and dumb. I'm a loser. My only special talents are cutting things up and eating lots of food. What would a perfect angel like you see in a loser like me?

Maybe that's why I made myself think there's something between Lina and me. She keeps me around and I already decided to be her guardian.

I should have offered to be your guardian. Lina doesn't need me like that and you could have used me more. Well you can cast the dragon slave and all kinds of magic... You probably wouldn't need me either.

I really wish I could see you. I'm so confused and I really need to talk to you to make things make sense. Since you told me not to come to Sailune I didn't say anything to Lina. Right now we're heading to some crypt that has some special gem that does something special. I don't remember but it's probably going to be nothing, they usually are. I'd much rather be going to Sailune instead. But if you don't want me to come see you then I'll stay away.

If Lina wants to go Sailune though I'm not going to say no. I'll just go along with Lina. Because like I said I want to see you. Maybe you can tell me this thing you've been having trouble saying to me. Do you really think my eyes are beautiful? I've never thought so. They're just blue. It's like looking at the sky. Nothing special about that. Yours are green like emeralds. Yours are prettier. They sparkle. Especially against your raven hair and fair skin. But you already know that because I said you're the prettiest girl in the world.

Sylphiel I hope you change your mind. Because the more letters I get from you the more I want to see you. I missed you before but this is making it worse. I keep thinking of all the times we've had to together and things we could be doing. I've even been dreaming about you. Nothing too special, we're just having a picnic under a tree by a lake. There's always a pie in the dream. (See? I told you I dream about your pie!)

I know you'd like this area we're traveling through. There's lots of trees and pretty plants. I'll bet you'd find some of them could be made into medicine. Cause that's one of things you're studying right? I'm pretty sure you told me last time I saw you that you were studying medicinal healing. I remember because it me think about how smart you are. Smart, pretty, kind...

One day I'll see you again. Hopefully it will be soon.

-Gourry


	6. Chapter 6

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Six, Sylphiel

By Relm

Dear Gourry,

Do you know how hard this is to write this letter? This must be the twentieth time I've tried to write this. It's so hard for me... and you wrote so many questions... Where do I begin?

Oh Gourry you really think I'm beautiful? I couldn't believe it when I read it. It doesn't seem real. I have dark hair and green eyes. I always thought I was plain looking. Miss Lina, is pretty. Her hair and her eyes are like fire. Why do you think I'm prettier? Why do you think I'm the prettiest girl you've ever met? I don't deserve such an honour. Even though I don't believe it I must be perfectly honest, I couldn't stop smiling. My face was red for sure. I've never had someone say such a wonderful thing to me.

You know have so many wonderful qualities to you that could make any woman fall in love with you. Have you ever thought that maybe Miss Lina loves you too much? So much that it scares her? Love is very scary.

I really think Miss Lina loves you. No I don't think it, I'm sure of it. She has to be. How could she not? She's just afraid Gourry. It's so easy to run away or be frightened off when you feel so strongly. This is why I know I shouldn't tag along with the two you. If I were to show up now I know I would ruin things. My presence would give Miss Lina the excuse to completely distance herself. She wouldn't face her intimacy fears and your relationship would go backwards again. Be patient with her, and just make sure she knows how you feel.

I know you're not sure but I know you're in love with Miss Lina. You don't see the way you look at her. When Miss Lina's talking it's like the whole world disappears. You see no one but her. It's obvious that she's the most important person in your life. I remember how jealous I felt when I first met Miss Lina. You never looked at me that way. When I'm around you and Miss Lina I feel like I disappear. Like I don't matter.

Maybe that's not how you feel or think you feel but it is. I'd like to be that woman you look at only see her. But I just don't sparkle enough. I'm too quiet, too boring... Miss Lina is strong and full of fire and life. If she's mad she yells. If she's happy she laughs. When she walks into a room everyone notices her. I don't get noticed. I just get lost in the crowd. So I'm not upset that you can see me when she's around. I'm used to it.

You ask me why bother chasing after someone who wants to run away from you? Because deep down they want you chaise them. The best things in life are never easy Gourry. You have to work on them. Love is no exception. You have to fight for it like you fight an evil creature hell bent on destruction. Would you give up in a battle just because it was hard? No you would keep fighting because that's the kind of person you are. You fight for what you believe in especially if means helping another. Why is it a question of fighting for love? Don't you believe in it?

I believe you should fight for love. And because I know Miss Lina loves you and you love her you need to fight for it. Let her know that it doesn't matter how hard she tries to shove you away that you're not going anywhere. She'll get the message Gourry. Patience. I can't stress that enough.

Could I fall in love you? Yes Gourry in a heartbeat. Your courage inspires me, your smile warms my heart, your beautiful eyes so honest like your mind... I dare you to find any woman who couldn't fall in love with and I will show you a woman who has no heart. Please stop insulting yourself. I understand that the situation you left home wasn't the happiest and you felt inadequate but I'm sure you're not as much of a disappointment as you think. I don't see how any parent could not be proud of you. You took the sword of light to stop your parents from fighting with your older brother right? I'm sure that's what you told me before. I remember because you sounded so proud talking about your older brother. I think what you did was brave and selfless. Your parents are the ones who were disappointing. They should have never tried to force your brother to do something that was against his morals. If he chose to abstain against violence and join the priesthood they should have supported him. Not try and make him take the sword.

So I think you are deserving of love Gourry. In every way a person can be loved.

Do I care for you? Yes. There isn't a man or person alive who matters more to me than you. I've dreamt about you too. And yes in my dreams we're having a picnic as well. But in my dreams it isn't just the two of us...

Oh dear I'm doing it again. I want to say it, I really want to. But I can't. It's just too hard.

Gourry you're not sure if you love Miss Lina, then I have to ask you this... What do you feel for me? Do you think you love me? Do you think you would be happier with me?

I could be happy with you. I would be more than just happy. I'd bet I'd be the happiest girl in the world. But I feel like I can't make you happiest. I'm sure it's Miss Lina.

What I'm trying to say is... well... I care about you too much Gourry. I want you to be happy. I care about Miss Lina as well and I want her to be happy too. I think the best way for the two of you to be happy would if the two of you stayed together. I don't want to ruin your happiness or hers because of my own selfish feelings.

I know one day I'll find my own happiness... But I can't if I keep thinking there's a chance you might have feelings for me. You've got me on a hook Gourry. I can't see myself with anyone else because I keep thinking about running off with you. Spending time together having adventures and afternoon picnics... I can see myself with anyone else but I keep seeing myself with you.

I want to be happy Gourry. So you need to move on. Make the world know your love for Miss Lina. Make her acknowledge it. Make her understand that she's the only woman in the world for you. That you love her more than life itself. Get her to agree to marry you.

You need to kill them Gourry. Kill the hope that keeps growing inside me like weeds. Make me realize there's no hope for the two of us. That that ship has sailed and it's never going to come back. I want to move on. I need to. It's the only way all three of us can be happy. You need to move forward so I can move on.

Don't come to Sailune. If you do I just might lose my resolve. I might crumble into a million pieces if I saw you now. I cherish these letters from you but they are making things worse. They hurt me too Gourry. If I saw you I might decide to forget about Miss Lina. To stop caring how she would feel. Throw myself at you hope against hope... that you could...

Love me back...

Don't come to Sailune Gourry. Even if Miss Lina wants to, please say no to her. Please stay away. If you have ever cared about me then you'll stay away. Loosing another chance to be with you... it would kill me.

-Sylphiel


	7. Chapter 7

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Seven, Gourry

Dear Sylphiel,

You... love... me?

Did I read that wrong? I must have. I'm dumb so I must have read it wrong. But... I've read that line over and over and well...

No, you can't love me... I'm just a big dummy. You could have any guy you want. Hell half the guards were awfully friendly with you in Sailune when I was there. I'd bet any one of them would give their right arm to go out on a date with you. So why would you chose me off all people?

But still...

If you do love when then how long? How long have you loved me? Has it been all along? Am I really so stupid that I missed it? Every smile, every nice word, every time you touched my arm... Was that because of how you felt for me?

I don't understand. You tell me that I need to focus on Lina. That Lina loves me very much and that I must love her... And then you tell me to stay away because you love me? If you love someone shouldn't you want them near you?

I wanted to show Lina your letter. I wanted someone smart to look it over and make sense of it. But I couldn't show it to Lina. That would have been wrong. Cause it's a letter to me and well it's about Lina. I'm sure you wouldn't have like me showing anyone it. If I were a person like Zel I'd sure I'd understand it. Zel is just as smart as Lina.

You tell me Lina loves me but she tries to keep me at a distance. You also tell me that I love Lina but that doesn't make sense either. I feel like I should be around her but...

When I read that line in your letter I felt weird. My stomach felt all fluttery and my face hot. I remember my heart was beating a mile a minute. To have a beautiful woman like you say she loves me... Gods it was the most wonderful thing in the world. I couldn't believe it, I still can't. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe you didn't mean to write that. Maybe you thought you wrote something else. I've done that before. Many times. That's why I always have a mountain of crumpled up paper next to me when I write letters. I always mess up.

But you're not like that are you Sylphiel? You probably never mess anything up. Because you're perfect. Or at least I think you're perfect. The closest to perfect anyone can be.

So if you didn't mess up and you really meant that... Why ask me to stay away Sylphiel? Why do the women who supposedly love me want to keep me at a distance? Is there something so horrible about me that no one wants to get close to me?

At least you're willing to admit you have feelings for me. Lina doesn't want anything to do with emotional stuff. And maybe I was okay about that before. I was fine with waiting. But I never thought I had any options. I thought Lina was my only choice. I thought I was supposed to be with Lina.

But if you love me... Well then that changes things. I've never known how I felt about you. I think you're beautiful and have the kindest soul in the world. I feel giddy around you and I can't stop smiling. You make me happy. And thinking about you loving me, gods I'm smiling right now.

I told you I've had dreams about you. Us having a picnic together. Of course we're eating cause a lot of my dreams have to do with food but this dream is more than just about the food. So many times in my picnic dreams I've got something on my face and you're reaching over to wipe it off. Your slender fingers fluttering across the corner of my mouth like a butterfly but then resting on the side of my face. You would look at me with a special smile and your checks would turn rosy pink. I'd smile too cause the feel of your hand on my face makes me blush too. Then I'd cover your hand with my own trapping it against my cheek. You'd blush more and your smile would turn bashful. But then you'd surprise me by leaning forward.

My eyes would close as you got close. I can feel your breath tickling my face as your lips are almost on mine...

But then I wake up. I used to feel bad about having those dreams. Cause I'm supposed to be with Lina. Why would I be having kissy dreams about someone else? But now I feel bad because I don't get to finish the dream. I don't get to kiss you.

I want to kiss you. I have for a while but now it's worse. Since writing these letters I can't stop thinking about those dreams. I can't stop thinking about you.

I've kissed girls before. I know it's supposed to be special. I know kissing you would be special.

I know what you're going to say, it I kissed Lina then I would stop thinking all this crazy stuff. That I would realize just what Lina is to me...

Well I have kissed Lina. Everyone thinks I forgot but I remember. I think Lina remembers too. Not that she wants to. She likes to forget all the mushy stuff. Especially if that mushy stuff is about me. What I remember about that kiss was that it was important but I don't remember it being... well... what kisses should feel like. I felt relieved afterwards but I didn't feel like I wanted her. I know Lina is pretty but sometimes she reminds me more a boy. One thing is for sure, I don't dream about kissing her.

I think if I kissed you then it would make things clear for me. At least I'll know what I'm missing in those dreams. Not that I'd steal any kisses or anything. If you didn't want me to kiss you then I wouldn't force myself on you. But if you care so much about me wouldn't you want me to kiss you? Wouldn't you want me to hold you close and never let you go?

Gods that sounds nice. It's making my heart beat fast just thinking about it. If I love Lina so much why don't I feel like this about her? Why don't I think these thoughts about her? Why am I writing letters admitting how I want to hold you when I'm supposed to love her?

How can you be so sure that I love her Sylphiel? What is it about my eyes that say I feel that way? I don't ignore the world when she's around. I don't forget about everything. She's just so loud and talks so much. I have to concentrate real hard to understand her. Otherwise she gets mad at me. Even then I can't understand everything.

Don't I look at you in a special way? It feels like I do. Cause like I said, you make me want to smile when I look at you. Unless you're sad. I never feel good when you're sad and hurting. It's always worse when it's you that's upset. It seems wrong for anyone to make you sad. Angels aren't supposed to cry are they?

You tell me that Lina wants me to chase her. But what if I don't want to chase her anymore? It feels wrong. You shouldn't have to force someone to want to be with you. I don't want to chase someone, I want them to just want me. Is it so hard to just want someone to be with me because they want to? I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of to make something out of nothing.

And even if she stop fighting me, stopped running, would we be happier? Would I be happiest with her? Or would I be happier with you?

This is so confusing...

Sylphiel I don't think I love her. Thinking about marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her doesn't make me feel happy. I think I've been fooling myself all this time. I think... maybe I'm in love with you. I feel something, I know I do. Something I've never felt before.

I care about you Sylphiel more than I can really understand. But I know that if I saw you, if what I'm feeling is real then I won't go. I won't leave you behind again. I won't make that mistake again. Not with the way I feel right now. It hurts thinking about never seeing you again.

But how am I supposed to make sense of these feelings? You want me to stay away. You don't want to see me, even though I want to see you so badly. I want to demand to go to Sailune. And not care if Lina doesn't want to go. I know you say she needs me but what about what I need? What about what I want?

What if I want and need isn't Lina? What if she isn't enough?

What if what I need is you?

Why do I have to do what's best for Lina when it ruins what could be a real chance at being happy?

Why can't I see you Sylphiel? Why do I have to stay away?

-Gourry


	8. Chapter 8

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Eight, Sylphiel

By Relm

Dear Gourry,

I knew it was a bad idea to write that. I knew I shouldn't have but... I just had to write it I guess. Now I've gone and made things much more complicated and much worse.

But I've been wanting to say it for years anyway so I may as well come out with it now.

Yes Gourry I love you. I have seen the moment I met you. You were more than just some heroic swordsman. You were so wonderfully modest and polite. You were just like those heroes you read about in fairy tales. A shiny knight on a white horse. You were also honest and so sweet. It was impossible for me not to fall in love with you.

But you never saw it. I tried to do so many things to show you how I felt. Only I couldn't ever tell you how I felt. I was always too afraid. Because you see Gourry, you were the first boy I ever felt that way about.

Seeing you with Miss Lina that first time was hard for me. But I was still so delusional. I thought maybe if I learned how to cast the dragon slave like Miss Lina then you would see me like you see her. As a strong and powerful woman. But that didn't work, or least that's what it seemed like to me.

I gave up, Gourry. I gave up on you and on us. I know you question whether Miss Lina loves you or that you love her but I don't. It's always easier to see these sorts of things on the outside.

Which is why I can't read too much into that letter you just sent me. There's no way you could have those thoughts about me. You must just be confused. Maybe it wasn't me you were dreaming about and you just confused it with me when you woke up. That's the only thing I could think off to properly explain it.

Because if that were true and all this time you liked me... Gods Gourry why wouldn't you say so? Why would you just leave me behind when you felt that way? Especially considering how I felt about you. Didn't you know I had feelings for you? Couldn't you see that those smiles I smiled at you were special and just for you? What more could I have done? And yes everything I did was because of my feelings. I know I could have just told you I was in love with you. But how do you tell someone something like that?

I always thought you didn't like me like that and you only smiled back at me out of polite consideration. The thought that I made you want to smile just baffles me. There's no way I could have the power to do that. And there's no way I'm an angel either. You were always too kind to me Gourry. Saying wonderful things to make me feel better.

My heart was racing when I read that part of your letter about the dream. It sounded so wonderful and magical more so than any of my dreams of the two of us. When I have those dreams about us at a picnic it's not just the two of us. There are others there eating with us. Miss Lina and the others. And children. Some of them look like me some of them look like you. But never in my dreams is it clear that they are our children playing with the other kids. Even in my dreams I can't fully grasp the idea of the two of us together. Or least in the dreams I've been having lately.

It never used to be this hard. But you didn't know Miss Lina back then. Before I could daydream all I wanted about the possibility of you coming back to Siaraag and asking me again to go off with you. And that this time I would have the courage to say yes. But meeting Miss Lina changed that.

Gourry I know you don't belong with me. I know you belong with her. I know Miss Lina is stubborn and is keeping you at arm's length but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I know she does Gourry.

This is why I've asked you to stay away. I've tried to work so hard to get over you. It's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. They say you never get over your first love, and I believe that statement. But I put that part of my life behind me because I wanted better things for you. I knew after that second time I met up with you and Miss Lina that I didn't belong with you Gourry. Miss Lina was willing to potentially destroy the world to save you. She knew it was wrong but she did it anyway. I told her not to use the giga slave because of what would happen but she didn't listen to me. Because of how much she loves you Gourry. You're her whole world. She would be destroyed without you.

So as much as I wanted to keep trying to win your affections I knew it was wrong. I couldn't knowingly try and force the two of you apart when I knew how much Miss Lina loved you. Not that I could have broken the two of you apart. Miss Lina is a strong and unforgettable person while I just blend into the background. I would have changed too much to really grab your attention wouldn't have I Gourry? Before starting these letters had you ever given me this much thought before? You were happy with Miss Lina the last time I saw you. There's no way things could have changed that much in such a short period of time.

You and Miss Lina must just be going through a rough patch. And as much as I would love to be together with you I couldn't just impose myself and take advantage of the situation. But if you show up now gods... Gourry I don't think I could resist. The temptation is too strong.

I wish you never started writing me these letters. I had almost killed the hope. It just a few little thoughts and emotions away from disappearing. I was getting on with my life. I was being my own person. But now you've revived it. You've breathed new life into that fragile little hope of mine.

And I hate you for that. Gourry I can't keep going on like this. I want to be strong and independent but you make me feel so weak. You relight those fires in me making want things I shouldn't.

You want to kiss me? The thought makes me shiver. I wouldn't refuse you Gourry. If you took me in your arms I'd melt. I'd have no resolve, I'd be powerless. Again this is why you can see me. If I saw you now I'd crumble to pieces. I'd be a mess. And I can't do that Gourry. I can't do that to you and Miss Lina. I know right now it seems like it's the right choice, that there's no way Miss Lina is ever going to get over her fears. She will get over her fears.

And maybe she doesn't remember the kiss you two shared. Even if she does that doesn't really change things. She needs to feel safe with you, that you'll never leave or hurt her. And even though you didn't feel that 'magic' when you kissed her that doesn't mean you never will. First kisses are never as picture perfect as the fairy tales say. They are often awkward and tense. And with all the emotions and danger flying about that day can you really say that the two of you were in a proper state of mind? Who's to say that if you kissed Miss Lina right now that you still wouldn't feel any magic? Things change and people do too.

I understand that you are tired of chasing her. That you don't want to fight anymore. But let's say you give up and try for something else. You give the two of us a try. What if you do that then you realize you're tired of me too? What I'm trying to say is that relationships aren't always easy, they take work. You shouldn't throw away a good thing just because things get a little tough.

Promise me you'll work on things with Miss Lina? Promise me you'll try and little harder and stay away from Sailune? I don't want you to throw away a future just because of me.

Forever and always,

-Sylphiel


	9. Chapter 9

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Nine, Gourry

By Relm

Dear Sylphiel,

I couldn't believe your last letter. You actually love me. I never thought in a million years I would ever get a girl to fall in love with me. Especially not a really pretty girl like you. I yelled out in happiness and couldn't stop smiling. Lina thought I was nuts, she had no idea what I was so excited about. I didn't tell her why. But she didn't bug me for details so that was good.

I still can't believe it though. All this time you had those feelings for me and I never knew. I feel like a real big dummy. How could I not know? How could I have not seen it? Why am I so stupid?

You know this changes things. I can't go back to being just Lina's bodyguard. So I can't make that promise. Not when I know what I know now. Sylphiel I can't stop thinking about you. How I wished you were here or I was there with you. And about how awful it would be to never see you again.

The more I think about you the less I think about Lina. I know you think that me and her belong together but I don't want to be with her. Sylphiel I'm lonely when I'm with her. You shouldn't be lonely when you're with the person you're supposed to love.

So that's why I did it. I told Lina that I was going to Sailune to see you. And you know what? Lina said to go for it. She didn't seem upset at all. Lina's needed to go home for awhile and she didn't want to bring me. I should have been upset about that. Why wouldn't she want me to meet her family? But you know what I didn't care. She went her way and I went mine.

I thought I should have sent this letter earlier so I could have warned you I was coming. But since I wasn't with Lina she couldn't send the letter for me. That's kinda the reason why this letter has taken to get to you. I had to find someone to send it for me.

I'm getting a little off here... Yeah so I told Lina I was going to Sailune. And I left. I got lost a lot but I kept going. I kept thinking to myself what I'd say to you when I saw you. But I'm no good with words. (You can tell from the letters I sent you.) So I figured maybe I'd just say 'hi' or give you a hug. Would it be too much if I gave you a kiss? Probably... but that's what I'd really like to do.

Anyway it took me a long time to get to Sailune. And I was so happy when I finally saw the outline of the castle towers and the kingdom walls. I kept thinking, 'finally I'll get to see Sylphiel...'

I went into Sailune with a big grin on my face happy to finally see you. I bumped into Amelia and asked her where you were...

...and she told me you left.

I couldn't believe it. I know you told me to stay away but I didn't think you'd run away. I asked Amelia and Phil if they knew where you had gone. They told me what you told them, that you were going to on a little training trip to further your medicine studies. They seem to think that you'll come back in a few weeks. That I should just wait for you to come back. But I can't wait Sylphiel. I need to see you now.

Did you know that I was coming? Is that why you ran away?

It's funny. You told me I had to be patient with Lina. That I needed to chaise her. I didn't want to chaise her. But that's what I'm doing right now with you huh? You're running and now I have to chaise you. But this isn't the same as Lina. You're not the same as Lina.

You're braver. I know you'd say that was wrong but it's the truth. Lina runs from all that fuzzy feelings stuff. She doesn't want to show anything or have anyone feel anything for her. She always keeps me at a distance. But you...

You're not afraid. Well maybe you are but you still did something Lina's too scared to do. Not in person but still something Lina would never do. So that makes you the bravest person I know in my book.

I know you don't want to get hurt. And believe me Sylphiel that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. Please give me a chance. Give us a chance. What if it's you that fate chose me to be with? And instead of being with the one I'm supposed to be with I end up with Lina?

I don't see how I could ever tire of you. Cause you wouldn't be like Lina. You aren't like Lina. I've stayed with her all this time even though I've got nothing to show for it. Lina and I aren't any closer to each other. If anything it's like we're father apart. Saying goodbye to her didn't feel as bad as it should. I didn't feel bad at all. If I were really meant to be with her I should have felt guilty. And didn't even seem worried. Hell she seemed relieved. Especially when I said I was going to see you.

Lina's not dumb. She's probably the smartest person I know. So she knows there's something going on. That things are different. And I think she's okay with that. Or if she isn't she is pretending it is. If she loved me she should want to fight for me right? She wouldn't willingly let me go off to be with another woman would she? I think Lina's too scared to be anything but friends. And if she was going to take that risk of exposing her heart it would have to be for someone that's worth it. I don't think I'm worth is Sylphiel. That's why she's willing to let me go so easily.

Just another reason I had to come to Sailune. But with you not being here that doesn't help things.

So you've left me with a problem. I came to see you and you're not here. Either I wait for you to come back, or I go looking for you. I think that when you get this letter you're probably not going to come back to Sailune. Unless you know that I'm not there. Cause you don't want to see me. But I don't know where you are. I think I know where you might be but I'm probably wrong. Still I can sit around a wait hoping you'll come back...

I haven't decided yet but I think I'm going to go and try and find you. The way I figure it if we're meant to be together then we'll find each other. So please do me a favour and stay wherever you are. Let me find you.

Amelia is going to send this letter for me and hopefully when it gets to you I'll have already found you or will have figured out where you are. Please don't run. Please just stay where you are. Unless you are going to go back to Sailune. Just write me a letter telling me where you'll be. I need to see you Sylphiel.

Hope that will be soon,

-Gourry


	10. Chapter 10

**Dear Sylphiel**

Letter Ten, Sylphiel

By Relm

Dear Gourry,

Yes Gourry I ran. I was just so scared you would show up even though I asked you not to. I knew you were going actually. I didn't have a divine vision or anything, just a gut feeling. I knew if I had stayed you would have eventually shown up. And I just couldn't bear to see you.

I'm not going to tell you where I am. And though I ran to distance myself from you I didn't exactly lie to Amelia and to Prince Philonel. I am working on my training as a healer.

So much time passed between our last letters I was beginning to wonder if I was just being foolish. That these extra precautions were unnecessary. A small part of me wanted you to come after me. No that's a lie a big part of me wanted that. My whole heart in fact but it hurts Gourry. Because I can't listen to that part of me. Every time I listen to it it hurts me so much. This is why I refused to see you. This is why I ran. And I can't lie to you and say that there isn't a part of me that is pleased that you chose to come to Sailune to look for me. But it's wrong Gourry. I can't feel this way. I can't keep holding onto hope that I'm trying to erase.

Gourry you know you're making a mistake. Go back to Lina, stop running after me. I know you'd see it if you found me. You'd realize it was a mistake. Please don't throw away everything you've built with Miss Lina for me.

If we were meant to be why would you suddenly decide now is the time? Why not when we first met? Why not when you came to Siaraag with Miss Lina and Amelia? Do you know why Gourry? It's because of Miss Lina.

Things aren't going well with her. If things were going properly then you wouldn't have even started writing me in the first place! If you liked me enough before you met Miss Lina then you would have written me at that time.

In a way it's like you're trying to get back at her. She won't move the relationship at the speed you want so you want to show her what she's not the only one. I don't want to be that girl Gourry. I don't want to be the one who you use to make Miss Lina jealous or be the one you use to get over her. I know this isn't something you would do intentionally and I'm sure you're upset with me for even writing that but I think deep down it's true.

I know that you'll say the reason you want to try now is because of my omission of feelings. Because I told you I love you. That that is your reason. Maybe it's a good reason... if you felt the same way.

I know you said you liked me before but clearly it wasn't enough. If it had been you would have tried harder. You wouldn't have said goodbye so easily and went off and met her. And you definitely wouldn't have gone traveling with her and proclaim to be her bodyguard. Her bodyguard! Do you know how much it hurt to hear that that?! Miss Lina is not the type of person that needs a bodyguard! Why would you proclaim such a thing?! Because that's what you do for the ones you love. You want to protect them and keep them safe even if they aren't in danger.

You said you feel lonely when you're with Miss Lina. But I think you only think you feel that way because you're wanting something more from Miss Lina and she's just reluctant to move forward. So instead of trying to make things work and talking to her about it you're just giving up and moving on. You insisted on being her bodyguard, you travelled all this time with her... You wouldn't have devoted all that effort towards nothing Gourry. She knows that. And Miss Lina only let you go out of fear. It's not that she doesn't care. She's just afraid to completely open up to you. So you gave her an out and she took it. That doesn't mean she's okay with it. Deep down she's upset. She doesn't want you to go. And if she is aware of these doubts in your head and your possible feelings for me... Then I'm sure it's eating her up right now. So you may even get your wish after all. If you go after her now she might completely open up to you. You'll have scared her into properly giving you two a try.

Why would you throw away that chance for me Gourry? Even though you aren't sure you're in love with her you've at least thought you might be. If you do love her and she loves you doesn't that warrant a good try? Have you ever told her how you feel? Have you ever talked to her about this stuff before you gave up? Have you ever really tried to talk to her? And I don't mean just saying a few words and letting her change the subject. I mean really talked to her and telling her how you feel and what you want for your future? If you can honestly say yes to that then I could understand why you would want to chaise after me. But I'm sure that's not the case Gourry. You can slay evil beasts and face down danger but you aren't the most forthcoming with your words.

It's easier in letters isn't it? I never thought I'd ever have the courage to tell you how I felt but I couldn't stop myself from writing it. Maybe if you had wrote her a letter instead... Not that Miss Lina would read it. But did you at least try that?

I know you're frustrated and this notion of chasing after me sounds romantic. But you know it's crazy. Even if we happened to meet up and decided to give us a try...

Gourry I know it wouldn't end well. You would realize that it was Miss Lina all along that you were meant to be with... And my heart would be crushed. I would never recover. It was so hard coming to terms with the reality that you were with Lina and not me. And we were just friends for crying out loud! If I let it become something more and you leave me it would be so much worse!

My heart can't take it Gourry. Please stop chasing me. Go back to Miss Lina. You belong with her, not me. You know where she's gone, it shouldn't be so hard to find her. You should stop chasing me and go after what you really want, what you really need.

I'm not going to go back to Sailune nor am I going to stay where I am right now. I won't let you find me Gourry. So please stop trying.

-Sylphiel


End file.
